Rwanda reflection : deliver us from cynicism

The struggle with negativity has my most intense spiritual battle, one shared by many ex-pats in development work. “Do not lead us into testing, but deliver us from cynicism” is a frequently-used version of the Lord’s prayer.

A little story will illustrate how temptation can come. A school pupil, Eugene, came into my office. He is an orphan and his older brother got out of prison a few months ago, but unfortunately died just before Christmas. We have helped him before, but on the last occasion as he was leaving the office I saw him give money to 2 people. When he came back I challenged him about this, suspecting some scam. He claimed that both had asked him for money and as he had some from me he could not keep it all to himself.
I still don’t know if he is genuine or not. People here often are extremely generous and are also often unable to manage money well, so it is entirely possible that he did not think about how the money would last but immediately gave some of it away. Equally, our experience is that many people in need of money will hold the truth very lightly and some will quickly concoct and hold to a very plausible story. Such is sometimes the fruit of desperation, or of a life which completely depends on others for finance.
It sometimes appears to be a rule of thumb that when you think the worst of someone they will surprise and shame you, but the people you think are the most trustworthy can let you down the most badly. It’s an emotional rollercoaster that you just cannot avoid.
This not just at a personal level, of course : organisations always provide plenty of scope for cynicism and this is particularly true of those whose supposed aim is to help others. The lofty aims and high ideals are often worked out through incompetence, petty politics, prejudice and inflexible bureaucracy.
It is incredibly easy to slip into thinking the worst of people and groups, but in trying to avoid cynicism, other temptations arise : drifting into hardening of heart or its opposite, naivete. Neither really fits well with our work here nor being disciples of Jesus. It is indeed a battle fought in the heart, mind and spirit; a battle which every day provides more opportunities to yield to temptation. “Lord, save us”.